I have made some really big mistakes in my life. I could make an strong case for the proposition that every significant decision I made regarding my life until a few years ago was a bad decision, a mistake. However, if I had to select one mistake as my biggest mistake, it would be my decision to marry Ann. I regard this as my biggest mistake because unlike every other decision, my decision to marry was not just my decision, It was not a mistake that fucked up just my life. Now one could say that she made her own choice even knowing something of my childhood. But I could not bring myself to tell her the whole truth. I did not want her to see me as a loser.

Our marriage lasted five years according to the state of Washington. However the last two years of that five years we both knew it was only a matter of time before we would divorce. We were living in a two bedroom apartment. Neither one of us felt we could afford an apartment of our own so I took the second smaller bedroom. Agree that the marriage was over, we were both allowed to see other people. Initially Ann would usually opt for a ‘his place’ arrangement. However one day she informed me that as what she did in her bedroom was her own business and of no concern to me, if she wanted to brink a guy home she would do so. This was not news to me. In recent weeks there had been about half a dozen times I had gone to Dennys for a late night breakfast because she had a friend over.

As for myself, I went without during this two year period. I had no luck in picking up girls. And I was not yet ready to start hanging out at the local gay bars. So the last two years of my marriage was an ongoing lesson in how much of a loser I was.


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